To the Glompnort Family,

In our partnership with Griffin Pharmaceuticals, we have exciting news! Supplements are now being added to your favorite food and drink down at the canteen. The experimental compounds will help us all maximize productivity, only sacrificing a bit of the taste and life expectancy. Talk about a good deal!

Faster feet, stronger arms, quicker mind. The possibilities are endless! Griffin pharmaceuticals notes to only take ONE supplemented food at a time. They report… adverse effects that could threaten the infrastructure of the building otherwise.

**NDAs about this test run are attached. Please sign and send to your HR manager immediately to avoid any terminations. Remember, let’s all glomp it up out there!

-Upper Management

Last qarter’s profits were in the outhwuse. The recrnt dragon atack of Faldia has also redvced our sales to ruble. Erhm, thoujts and pryers of course.

As such, we will reqire all emplyee]s to work unpaqid ovrtime for the foreseeble futree. Your work is abpreciated for the grreater gopd of the pack.


I cant stnd this blwsted tiny contrpton any lomger. My claws tak up half the damned thing! Grawrtha, if you are resding this, find me a larger one IMMEDIAATWLY!

-Howlistair

This email is to kindly notify all employees of a small issue in the recent resupply. It seems mimics kept in the loading dock have escaped and taken the form of office supplies.

If you do notice a stapler with more teeth than normal or a stack of paper salivating, notify your floor supervisor immediately. Note we are not responsible for any time lost and/or dismemberment. Salary will be deducted accordingly.

Remember, Glompnort Holdings is always there for you!

-Upper Management

To whom it may concern,

As per my last email, I am AGAIN notifying the department that our microwave is broken. It has been 3 weeks now, where I am forced to heat everyone’s food with magic, which is NOT part of my job description. Combining fire and air rune patterns is easy. Doing so without obliterating my ham sandwich is not.

Kindly take care of this matter quickly, if possible. I have better things to do than froth Karin’s latte with a steam spell. She always sends it back for a redo.

And for the absolute last time, my name is Bunglechum. Please stop omitting the H!!!

Upper management has noticed we have used more supplies compared to other departments, and demanded we cut down. They have asked me to give some friendly suggestions.

STOP leaving passive aggressive post-it notes about small issues that could be solved yourself. We all know it’s you, Ivo. All the notes are stuck 3 feet off the ground, and you’re the only halfling on the floor.

STOP enchanting the paper supply into golems to do your work. They unionized and were then all promptly incinerated. That “waste of resources” had our CFO howling more than usual.

STOP dropping your quills and pencils on the ground. Gnak the kobold accountant keeps grabbing them to add to his collection. I guarantee he is faster than you, so don’t even let them hit the floor.

Essentially, STOP doing dumb stuff. !

We received your introductory message draft for new employees. While we appreciate your... spirited notes on GNP, it was not the direction we are going for. Please use the revised draft below:

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Welcome the forefront of arcane capitalism, Glompnort Holdings! On our welcome day, you can expect to step foot and ascend each floor of the famous GNP tower and see all our lovely departments! Our multi-floor workplace ecosystem ensures every creature has a place in GNP, with each department presents its own culture, leadership style, and environment to thrive! Whether you are working in IT, Marketing, Finance or Production doesnt matter, you're already GNP family!

DO NOT forget to have your NDA life bond signed and ready before entering the building. Otherwise, you may be marked as unwelcome by our security systems and promply incinerated. We hope your time at GNP is long, fulfilling, and legally uneventful!